An Unexpected Mothers Day Present
My Mother’s Day present this year came in an unexpected package.
This past Mother’s Day, the people I wanted to hear Happy Mother’s Day from didn’t say it.
At first, I allowed myself to feel bad about this. I felt unseen and unappreciated. I stewed in this a bit. Then I went to dinner, where the waiter didn’t wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. I saw another family member and I didn't hear the words I expected to hear. I started to feel resentful, and even more unseen and unappreciated.
It didn’t take long before I realized this day had gone from one of celebration, to me being in a state of victim consciousness.
I finally had to step back and ask myself “Why on earth was I giving people outside of myself the power and authority over whether or not I felt good”
Yep, it’s okay and normal to be human and disappointed but after this, there is a choice. I quickly saw that my continuing to feel bad was a result of me giving over the reins of my own happiness to people, outside of myself (Now that seems like a truly crazy idea). I was assigning responsibility for my happiness to people outside of me.
Why on earth would I ever want someone or something other than me to be responsible for my happiness? (and maybe there were some perverse benefits).
The truth is in these moments I was living from my small self, the little girl in me that still sometimes looks to be validated. The little girl that didn’t feel seen or appreciated at times.
Often what is behind victim consciousness or giving away our power in different ways, is that we are playing out stories and scenarios from our childhood, still looking for resolution, the five-year girl in me, still looking to be told by my parents that I was doing a good job.
The gift of reparenting work that I do with myself and my clients is that we can get to the root of childhood wounding and heal long terms patterns rather quickly, moving us in the direction we desire, rather than getting stuck and continuing to recreate the same stories in our lives to play out over and over again.
The questions we ask in both somatic experiencing and reparenting work, and the curiosity we hold around our triggers, hold the key to more of our own freedom and power.
When a symptom appears, whether in the body or as a seemingly undesirable circumstance in our life (such as me not hearing happy Mother’s Day), rather than judge, we open up and get curious about it. We trust that what is showing up holds some important and usually quite potent information that can direct us on our path in a powerful way.
If there wasn’t even a small part of me that believed I needed outside validation to be seen, to be worthy, this situation wouldn’t have triggered me to the degree that it did. It may have upset me but it wouldn’t trigger that deeper part of me. It showed me the deeper parts of myself where I don’t always value my own self, where at times I am still waiting for someone else to do this for me.
Digging even deeper there is a shadow part of me that likes this role. It means not being responsible, it means me being the hero, getting to point the finger and be better than, the sacrificial mom (look at me) AND continuing in this keeps me small, keeps me from being the way more explosively powerful version of myself.
So, this year my Mother’s Day gift came in an unexpected package. This year’s gift was a little flashlight shining a light on the ways in which I can give others the reins to my happiness. Seeing this energy leak is priceless because it means I get to own my own happiness and more clearly and powerfully steer my life in the direction I want to go.
Looking at what we get out of our behaviors or circumstances is an important piece. No matter the behavior or situation, there is always something we are getting out of the deal (even and especially when it looks like we are the victim).
Naming these things, is naming the shadow (i.e. in sickness, we get attention and comfort, we have an excuse for not going places). Oftentimes what we are getting out of the seemingly unwanted situation or circumstance is wrapped in shame and this shame keeps us from ever looking at or naming the benefits we do receive from this behavior or circumstance.
Yet it is by naming what benefits we are getting out of these seemingly unwanted behaviors or circumstances, that starts to loosen the reins of these unwanted behaviors or circumstances. By unwrapping the paper of shame, covering over the benefits we secretly and maybe perversely enjoy from our "unwanted" behavior or circumstance, we release the power that holds these patterns or circumstances in place, freeing up this energy to move our lives in a new more desirable direction. It unleashes a powerful energy that can propel us naturally in the direction we want to go instead of seemingly swimming up stream and effecting our way to happiness.